That saying has become the excuse for countless people to sit back and remain depressed, isolated, and empty. We keep waiting and waiting, hoping that somehow our arms will be filled, our insanity will melt away by some miracle happening. All we gain is more time to think of our distruction, more time for our minds to flit about like dizzy fireflies and ponder the black hazy purgatorial emptiness.
Yet "Carpe Diem"--Seize the Day! We never hear that, never think we have that power. Our grip is too weak, we suppose, or we will slip off the edge. So afraid of failing, we miss the fact that life's balls are dangling right in front of us and all we must do is reach out and grab them. Life will roar to life. Even failure is much better than this nothingness. Happiness comes to those who seek it, pilfer it from the willing hands of others. "Just reach out and touch somebody, touch somebody..." and believe it or not, their lives will feel just a little less empty as well.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
To All of You
These past weeks have been some of the worst of my life. I developed a plan to kill myself yet again, but this time was much more detailed. Life had become laodecian and I didn't feel like it was worth much. I didn't feel that I was worth much. So much easier than trying to change again was to give up and start over. I didn't think about who I owed. I didn't think that life is so much more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Today, an amazing woman through her enormous heart showed me that life was worth trying again. Today, I will tell two stories of people giving what they never had to give to someone they never will owe. I can say without exaggeration that I owe my life to these people.
9-30-07
As I was coming home from seeing my first boy for the first time, I was heartbroken. I was used to flying and commuting on my own, but one mistake I made early on in the trip made going home very difficult. I had forgotten where I had parked at the airport. I searched and searched, yet could not find my car. When I had found it, I realized I'd left the dome lights on...for a week straight. I had no battery and my car would not start. I was stuck, a million miles from a home that I had dissappointed, in a place that I knew no one. I went around asking randoms for jumper cables. Very few people stopped, and those that did did not have jumper cables. One older couple at the very end stopped. They did not have jumper cables they said, but they stayed with me. They helped me call someone, and in a final act of kindness I know I still do not deserve, they paid the fifty dollars for my car to be fixed. They told me that they had a young daughter like me, and they would hope that someone would do the same for her. I have yet to be able to show that level of selflessness to anyone.
6-1-09
I am stone broke. I am living on my overdraft insurance. After many promises of jobs from many references, I secure a job after a month of searching. My student loan has yet to come in, and I already have plans for the excess. I am sitting in a summer class that I was hoping I would be able to get by without buying the textbook, like many of the other classes I had taken previously. The class, however, is based almost entirely on daily reading of two of these books. I am at a loss on what to do. The book due for tomorrow is $50, and I know I do not have the money. I come up with the plan to borrow someone's book and return it at the class I have later that day. One lady insists she can help me out. I am grateful that she is willing to let me borrow the book, but when she goes to her bag and brings it out, she tells me "This one's yours." She goes on to explain that she had been provided one through some service, and that she had also ordered one. You have to know the background of this lady. She has 8 kids, 4 of which are adopted. This spring, she lost her entire house in the flood. She has been living with friends..with her 8 kids remember..since then. She has been thankful every step of the way. I take the book, though I don't feel I can accept it. I don't deserve that kind of selfless giving. All there is now to do is pay it forward...for real this time. Selfless acts that few people know about, but change those few people's lives.
And I can't pay it forward if I'm dead.
9-30-07
As I was coming home from seeing my first boy for the first time, I was heartbroken. I was used to flying and commuting on my own, but one mistake I made early on in the trip made going home very difficult. I had forgotten where I had parked at the airport. I searched and searched, yet could not find my car. When I had found it, I realized I'd left the dome lights on...for a week straight. I had no battery and my car would not start. I was stuck, a million miles from a home that I had dissappointed, in a place that I knew no one. I went around asking randoms for jumper cables. Very few people stopped, and those that did did not have jumper cables. One older couple at the very end stopped. They did not have jumper cables they said, but they stayed with me. They helped me call someone, and in a final act of kindness I know I still do not deserve, they paid the fifty dollars for my car to be fixed. They told me that they had a young daughter like me, and they would hope that someone would do the same for her. I have yet to be able to show that level of selflessness to anyone.
6-1-09
I am stone broke. I am living on my overdraft insurance. After many promises of jobs from many references, I secure a job after a month of searching. My student loan has yet to come in, and I already have plans for the excess. I am sitting in a summer class that I was hoping I would be able to get by without buying the textbook, like many of the other classes I had taken previously. The class, however, is based almost entirely on daily reading of two of these books. I am at a loss on what to do. The book due for tomorrow is $50, and I know I do not have the money. I come up with the plan to borrow someone's book and return it at the class I have later that day. One lady insists she can help me out. I am grateful that she is willing to let me borrow the book, but when she goes to her bag and brings it out, she tells me "This one's yours." She goes on to explain that she had been provided one through some service, and that she had also ordered one. You have to know the background of this lady. She has 8 kids, 4 of which are adopted. This spring, she lost her entire house in the flood. She has been living with friends..with her 8 kids remember..since then. She has been thankful every step of the way. I take the book, though I don't feel I can accept it. I don't deserve that kind of selfless giving. All there is now to do is pay it forward...for real this time. Selfless acts that few people know about, but change those few people's lives.
And I can't pay it forward if I'm dead.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
In Defense of "Baptist" Skirts
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Since I've gotten into college, I've gone from only wearing skirts, to not wearing them at all. Jeans became a symbol of my transformation from the Baptist community to freedom of thought, to independence. It became such as I criminalized skirts. I developed a prejudice against any skirt, especially those going to the knee. I developed the term "Baptist" into one that described clothing that was out of fashion for the sake of modesty. While home, I would wear "Baptist" clothing and ask my sisters the question "Does this make me look too Baptist?"
My baptist sister today made the comment that that way of using the word offended her. At first I just shoved it off....but then I thought for a moment. I am always priding myself in being open-minded and accepting of all sorts of beliefs and backgrounds, yet I was putting down the one culture I came from. As if I had the right to belittle a culture simply because I left it. Hypocrisy lives.
Granted, I left this culture for many huge reasons, but I still have always respected people's rights to choose religion. What is the root of this prejudice? Why do I hesitate every time I put on a "Baptist" skirt...a long skirt...? Am I a fake? Am I just switching one dogma "Baptist faith" for another "intellectualism"? The idea scares me.
So...In defense of "Baptist" skirts. They make me re-analize my beliefs and values. I don't have to buy them in "tall." And they look really cute with non-"Baptist" tops. I'm not sure I can entirely replace the adjective with some of the alternatives in most cases, however. "Conservative" could work, but many skirts and tops are "conservative" but not as strict as "Baptist." "Modest" used to work, when I was Baptist, but using it now implies that I am ashamed of my body. As if I think every guy will "sin" when they look upon me in jeans or a cute top. So what do I use? "Long." Long skirts...that totally works. "High-necked." That works too. One piece of advice from my dad I can actually use. "Say what you mean."
I have the unusual urge to go drinking in a long skirt now....hmmm.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Archives
Grey clouds and grey mist
peer in through the windows
Grey trees stare
Their longing is near tangible
Though for most of us
it's not there.
But for the solemn studiousness
The pensive perkiness
Their glare gives.
For we are lost
In brown, in red, in green
The froth of a cappucinno
The glow of passionate discourse
The serenity of thought.
Each of us encapsulated in the comfiness
of discussion. Within, without
Throughout.
The patient barista dispenses to each
Their measure of energy.
We sip, we savor, we ignore
Till we slip silently out the door
To join the trees and mist
To be replaced by another
Thinker, seeker, passionate no one
While the clouds, the trees
Stare on, satisfied.
peer in through the windows
Grey trees stare
Their longing is near tangible
Though for most of us
it's not there.
But for the solemn studiousness
The pensive perkiness
Their glare gives.
For we are lost
In brown, in red, in green
The froth of a cappucinno
The glow of passionate discourse
The serenity of thought.
Each of us encapsulated in the comfiness
of discussion. Within, without
Throughout.
The patient barista dispenses to each
Their measure of energy.
We sip, we savor, we ignore
Till we slip silently out the door
To join the trees and mist
To be replaced by another
Thinker, seeker, passionate no one
While the clouds, the trees
Stare on, satisfied.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Top Ten Reasons To Rejoice
10. It's friday
9. Black Bean Burgers and homemade hummus
8. We finally get to see what Obama's up to
7. Family can't ever get rid of you
6. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Margaret Mead
5. Children's laughter
4. Soy Milk
3. Fresh air filling your lungs and music filling your heart
2. God is dead
1. Tomorrow's another day
9. Black Bean Burgers and homemade hummus
8. We finally get to see what Obama's up to
7. Family can't ever get rid of you
6. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Margaret Mead
5. Children's laughter
4. Soy Milk
3. Fresh air filling your lungs and music filling your heart
2. God is dead
1. Tomorrow's another day
Sunday, January 18, 2009
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